Depression

 From April 18, 2011 (A good reminder!) I just discovered what "depressed" is for me, lucky me! And, that I've been really depressed at different times in my life. So I'll tell you that story. It's humorous in its way, I think, at least. I used to lose all energy and wilt, like a flower cut off from its water supply, neck and shoulders bowing down suddenly. For several years, I'd go to my annual physicals and tell my doctor and he'd say  . . . No----thing! So I had no clue what was happening. Every time I saw him, same story--different day. I thought I had diabetes or hypoglycemia because it felt like a sudden severe drop in blood sugar. The day of my physical this year I was sitting at my computer in the morning before school and watching my thoughts go by and I noticed that I suggested several possible activities to myself and to each I responded with some negative outcome, some way in which it was either impossible or undesirable. When I finished, I saw that I was in that state! It was a WOW! So that's it! A moment of insight. When I went to the doctor he said, you need Prozac, just 4 months or so. And he told me HIS story. He'd never been one to prescribe psychotropics, he always referred patients to a psychotherapist until this year when the doctor he referred to said, "Why don't you just prescribe it yourself, since you make the diagnosis!" So now he apparently wants to begin with me!! I said no way! I've just learned about what brings this on: blocking all my wants and goals. He asked "Well since you've had this problem for several years, how long do you want to wait?" And I answered "Well, a couple of months at least!" He went on this whole persuasive, warm-hearted, even affectionate dialectic, and I still said "No" unmoved, but impressed with his ability to use what he knew of me in this way, yet he had never suggested any cause for these repeated complaints of mine. He insisted on giving me a prescription, which I promptly lost, for a 4 month supply. It was November and he didn't want me to get depressed over the holidays, or come off the drug near a holiday. So, now I think back on my life and recognize DEPRESSION in several major periods of my life. I just found out that two of my sisters drink to avoid it. Yet, we need it , depression, to tell us that something is WRONG with the way we are living our lives, yes? Pierre said to me on this subject yesterday that ordinary live doesn't have enough in it to satisfy the soul (my paraphrase) I'm working with that state, and, for me, any personal goal, however small I achieve clears my mind and leaves me joyful. And, I mean something as simple as buying White Meat Chicken with Vegetables rather than "changing my mind" and going with Chicken Curry. The first choice was what I intended when I walked in, full of steamed vegies, and a light cornstarch and broth sauce. It tasted incredible!! I'm still looking for activities that bore me or turn me down, like too much time on the web doing "amusing" things. My first choice was RIGHT! This means there is a RIGHT!  I'm still looking for activities that bore me or turn me down, like too much time on the web doing "amusing" things. But they are "ritual activities" that I think I need to be "comfortable" or "wind down". Ask yourself if you have these "filler activities," hmmmm?